I'm a war...

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Feb. 3rd, 2011

chasing pavements.

mood:

nauseated

music: adele

I've been obsessed with Adele.
I've been obsessed with my pain.
I've been obsessed with this loss.

Was this 2nd brake a mistake? Or am I just a coward for the pain? Is it jealousy because he's talking to some girl?
I don' think so because there have been some guys persuing me and I'm not interested in them.

I fucking hate this.

It's been almost a year since we moved out of our apartment and we are still going back and forth.

I know there are things that make me unhappy about him, and he has a lot of growing up to do at almost 27...
but I find it so fucking hard to let go.

I'm going crazy.
I've been sick to my stomach for days and days.

I think I need to let go and "if it's meant to be..." and all that.

I'm like a crack addict.

In order for it to work he has to decide he wants to be with me and I want to be with him above all else.
Above any bullshit problems with eachother. We either need to 100% commit to being together or just not at all.

I hope we make it... ... I want more of his babies : /

Nov. 8th, 2010

found.

mood:

crazy

music: The Black Keys

I'm in love again.

I really am.
We need to make this work.
I love him.

This isn't about Ella.
We figured out how to make coparenting work
while we were broken up.

This is about us.
This is about finding IT again.

Posted at 12:18 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Nov. 4th, 2010

lost again.

mood:

tired

music: Christmas Music!

How did I get lost again? I was happy. Mostly. Now I'm confused.

I want easy. I want carefree.
I want thoughtful and romantic.
I want the same wants.
The same needs.

Tired of trying to do this:

Posted at 01:03 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Jul. 14th, 2010

impending.

Reading my mom's goodhouskeeping mag (lol), I was overcome with excitement.
They are already dishing out tips for parents of back-to-school- aged children. ahh.
My child needs to go to preschool. Why haven't I made arangements for this yet?
Worst mother of the year?

I've been looking up places online and sending interested emails.
Hopefully I find something for Ella soon.

I just want her to go like 3 days for a few hours in the morning.
That's what they typically have for children her age.
I am so excited at the thought of her sweet little face
getting up and eating breakfast and helping her get ready for school.
She needs a schedule and structure and so do I.
I think she will really bennefit from this.
We both will.

While she's in school I can study, then pick her up.
Bring her home for lunch, hang out. Then on days I work,
I will go to work.

I also need to look up a mini soccer league and dance class.
Ohhh I love being a mama.

I'm dreaming of....

and I picked out my birthday present from my mom to me.
I was looking online at lenscrafters for new glasses, bc i loathe mine
and once you purchase the lens for my horrible eyes my glasses
are usually close to $300. So I found these adorable raybans and I'm like
Val (my sister) look how cute these are I want them for my bday!
And shes like Mon- those are my exact glasses. Hahah.
That she was wearing THAT MOMENT.
So I tried them on and I'm in love.

Hurry soon October 10th!

Posted at 12:11 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Jul. 9th, 2010

love, love, love.

mood:

enthralled

I was sitting on his lap the other night.
He was gently rubbing my arms...
looked in my eyes and said in the sweetest
most sincere voice...

"How did I get so lucky?"

My entire body is buzzing with excitement to
see him tonight at work.

It usually takes me a half an hour to even roll out of bed.
But today I sprung out of the sheets so fast I got dizzy.

Posted at 11:09 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Apr. 7th, 2010

(no subject)

mood:

sad

There's a spot on my bed, where you used to lay,
And a way my mouth used to kiss
who knows how long I'll sleep alone
and how long these lips will miss.

I've tried to be brave, and had to be mean
To get through the hardest part-
But now that it's over and I'm lying alone,
I fear I broke my own heart.

Tags: ryan

Mar. 4th, 2010

My star is fading.

mood:

sad

Come on, my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
If i, if I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck here in this hole
Come here my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I've got to get out of this hole

But time is on your side
Its on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

And time is on your side
Its on your side now
Not pushing you down
And all around, no
It's no cause for concern

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to the noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won't change a thing
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose.

Posted at 10:44 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Mar. 3rd, 2010

Lovers... keep on the road you're on.

location: US, New Jersey, Gloucester, Brattleboro Rd, 16

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: via ljapp

Posted at 12:03 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Jan. 12th, 2010

Deep breaths.

mood:

nervous

Trying to calm down. I H-A-T-E talking to Ryan about money.

I hate money.

~~~~

I'm trying to enjoy my last week off of school.

This is what Ella and I did yesterday....

Potty training is NO fun!

But skating is!

She did such a good job and there were no major falls :)

Time to relax before my monkey wakes up from her nap!

Coming up:
1/19- first day back to school
1/21- last day at current job
1/23 Broadway show
(and spending the day exploring NYC with Ryan
our Christmas gift from his dad! )
1/12-1/18- enjoying all my free time with Ella
cleaning house, doing all laundry, organizing toys,
filing taxes and hoping to get a million back :)
oh and counting down until Summer.

Send me your new job wishes/prayers/offerings.
I need one ASAP!

<3